Scene 1: Paddy’s Pub
2:52 pm. On a Thursday.
The Gang, minus Mac, are sitting around drinking and talking. As usual.
Charlie: So all I’m saying is I just wanna
know where the water goes.
Dee: You know where the water goes
Charlie, you practically live in the sewer.
Charlie: No I mean like…when you flush the
pipes get really small and I can’t fit down there. So I think that must be
where the ghouls are.
Frank: Oh Jesus not the ghouls again
Charlie. I still got sewer diseases and the venereals from last time.
Charlie: But it makes sense I’ve been in
everywhere in this bar and still haven’t caught them all. They have to be
hiding somewhere
Dennis: Really Charlie? Everywhere.
Charlie: Yes Dennis, everywhere.
Dennis: Even the garbage chute?
Charlie: Of course. It’s a chute.
Dennis: Now this I’m going to have to see.
Dee: It would explain why he smells of
garbage all the time.
Dennis: I still think I’d like to see him do
it.
Frank: He tried to get me down there once. I
was stuck for 37 hours.
Dennis: No one cares Frank. You got out.
You’re clearly ok. We’re trying to establish if Charlie can do it.
Dee: You know I’m starting to think I’d
like to see this too.
Suddenly MAC bursts in. He starts doing karate
moves in his over excitement until a pain makes him double up in pain.
Dennis: Goddamnit Mac what have you done?
Mac: Guys. I finally figured it out. I
figured out why I’m not banging chicks.
The Gang exchange
hopeful, but sceptical, glances
Mac: It’s because they’re scared of my
sperm, and the badass baby it’d cause.
The Gang sighs
Frank: Have you ever considered there might
be some other reason you’re not banging broads?
Mac: Naw this is it. That’s why I got a
vasectomy.
Blackout. Play theme
music. Sign on stage “Mac Gets A Vasectomy”
Mac Gets A Vasectomy
By Jeremy Linnell
Scene 2: Paddy’s Pub
a little later
Mac sits at the bar with Charlie.
Mac: No dude it’s totally sweet.
Charlie: I dunno man, if I get my balls cut off
how am I going to have babies with The Waitress.
Mac: How is it possible, you still don’t
even know her name.
Charlie: We keep a romantic, respectful
distance. It’s courting.
Mac: Whatever dude. You’re not getting your
balls cut off. You’re getting a little knot inside ‘em that lets you bang the
shit out of whoever you want.
Charlie: But I only want to bang the waitress.
Mac: DAMMIT CHARLIE THIS WAS A SWEET IDEA.
Charlie: But what if you want kids?
Mac: No way. You only get so much
baddassness Charlie. Why would I want to give that up?
Charlie: Wait so if I get it done and say, I
get tricked in to sex, this lets me keep all the goodness for my babies with
The Waitress?
Mac: That’s exactly what I’m saying. You
can preserve your badassness.
Charlie: So how do I get one?
Mac: You know Frank’s signature right?
Charlie: Dude Frank’s signature is my
signature.
Mac: Oh sweet. You’ll be able to use his
health insurance. Let’s get you to a doctor.
Charlie: Can I finish my beer?
Mac: Drink it on the way man, your
badassness is draining away as we speak.
Charlie: Ok ok I’m coming.
Scene 3: Interior
Dennis and Mac’s Flat
Dennis stalks the floor space of his flat. Dee sits watching.
Dee: Are you seriously telling me you’ve
never considered contraception?
Dennis: Of course not. It’s not part of the
system.
Dee: God Damn It Dennis not your stupid
system again. That system is why you need contraception!
Dennis: Oh you bitch, you stupid stupid bird.
The D.E.N.N.I.S. system ensures I get maximum pleasure with minimum risk. Why
would I need contraception?
Dee: Well, uh, aside from pregnancy?
S.T.D.s you dumbass.
Dennis: Are you doubting my system? MY SYSTEM
IS FLAWLESS. Of course I scope them out. The whole…god dammit Dee…the whole
system is about knowing the target. My target’s don’t have STDs. Come on.
Dee: And what about pregnancy? It’s pretty
hard on woman.
Dennis: Oh what would you know about that.
Who’d get you pregnant?
Dee: I gave birth. I’ve had a child.
Dennis: I do not recall.
Dee: Really? Really? You thought you were
the father!
Dennis: Frank? Was Dee pregnant
Frank enters, wearing a hospital gown
Dee: Jesus Frank.
Frank: What? I’m getting surgery.
Dee: Here?
Frank: No but I like to prepared. I own my
own gown. It’s nice and airy.
He spins, displaying
the bountiful wonder of his ass crack.
Dee: Ok, whatever. You remember when I was
pregnant right?
Frank: Nope!
Dee: Awww god
damn it.
Dennis: Frank,
what surgery are you getting done?
Frank: Well I
had a vasectomy done years ago, but then you two came along and so I thought I
better get it checked.
Dee: I’m 29,
you’re leaving it a little late Frank.
Dennis: You’re
39, old, and we know it. Frank. We’re not your kids. You know that.
Frank: Oh
shit. Yeah. I forgot. I guess I have no kids. Lucky me.
Dee: Will you
please take off that smock.
Frank: Nah, I
like the way my dong hangs in it.
Frank wanders off.
Dennis: We
really should think about putting him in a home.
Dee: Yeah but
how do we get him to pay for that. Anyway. So how do you know you don’t have
any kids?
Dennis: Oh I
have thousands.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Oh yes. But because I “Separate Entirely”
they can never find me. Them or their mothers.
Dee: That’s awful.
Dennis: Is it Dee?
Dee: I’m pretty sure children without a
father are considered at a significant social risk.
Dennis throws a glass of water in Dee’s face.
Dennis: How dare you.
Dee shakes the water from her eyes.
Dee: What Dennis?
Dennis: They are my children. MINE. Did
Hercules require the presence of Zeus? No. No. They will thrive. They are
demigods. A legion I have spawned. The Golden God breeds with mortals at his
whim!
Dee: So you’re not considering a vasectomy
then?
Dennis: Blasphemous whore! Get out!
He hurls the glass at
her.
Dee: Ugh. Fine whatever. I just thought we
should talk about our kids. See ya later boner.
Scene 4: A Doctor’s
Office
Mac and Charlie sit in front of a doctor.
Doctor: Was there a problem with your
procedure Mr. McDonald?
Mac: No dude, it was totally sweet. My
nuts have never felt so swollen. Wanna touch?
Doctor: No I think that’ll be quite ok.
Mac (to Charlie): Check out this loser. A doctor and he’s
afraid of some nuts.
Mac: Dude I love keeping all the man juice
to myself and my esteemed associate
Charlie stands up and bows. Mac pulls him back in to his seat
Mac (cont.): Would like to get in on it. Now we
were wondering if you had a buy one get one free deal you could apply
retroactively?
Charlie: Or even a 50% discount? They’re in
very good condition.
Doctor: What are?
Charlie: My testicles. I only use them to
masturbate.
Mac: He doesn’t need to know that. You don’t
need to know that.
Doctor: I don’t need to know that.
Charlie: Sorry I get nervous around doctors. I’m
an abortion survivor.
Doctor: You do realise a vasectomy is a very
serious procedure?
Mac: You never told me that.
Doctor: I most certainly did.
Mac: No way dude. You said it was easily
reversible and I could bang who I wanted.
Doctor: I am 100% sure I said neither of
those things.
Mac: Whatever. You don’t know what you’re
talking about. Probably want to sell me some pills from Big Pharma ya jabroni.
Doctor: Do you want the procedure or not?
Charlie: I don’t know man. It seems kinda
scary. And I don’t want The Waitress to think I’m sleeping around.
Doctor: Who?
Charlie: Oh she’s my girlfriend. We’re having
babies.
Doctor: I really can’t recommend this
procedure for that.
Mac: Ignore him. The Waitress will get hot
as shit if you get a vasectomy. It means you can bang all the time.
Charlie: I dunno. I really want babies. Do you
have babies?
Doctor: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Charlie: Well if you’re stopping people having
babies and you have babies it seems wrong, don’t you think?
Doctor: Not in the slightest. Look I have
other patients. Do you want this or not.
Mac: Dude The Waitress will be all over
you.
Charlie: Ok man. Whatever you say. I’ll do it.
Scene 5: A Nightclub
Frank, wearing a ridiculous toupee, dances
the night away. He sidles up to a woman.
Frank: Hey baby. Ever banged a guy who can’t
have babies?
Woman: Excuse me?
Frank: I had a vasectomy. Let’s bang.
Woman: Get away from me!
Frank: Feel them. You can feel them. It’s ok.
Woman: Why!
Frank: They’re tight. Swollen. That means I’m
tied. Just push aside my monster dong and check.
Frank grabs her hand and puts them on her
crotch. A bouncer appears.
Bouncer: I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to
leave.
Frank is dragged out the club
Frank: This is bullshit! I can’t even knock
her up!
Scene 6: The
Waitress’s Cafe
Mac rubs Charlie’s shoulders as they stand outside.
Mac: You can do this dude. Just go talk to
her.
Charlie: I think this is it man. I think I can
win her heart.
Mac: No time like the present. Get in
there.
Charlie enters the café and stands in line. After
he does Dennis arrives.
Dennis: Is he really?
Mac: Oh yeah. Got his tubes tied and
everything
Dennis: We really should call Dee.
Mac: She wouldn’t want to miss this.
Dennis: But fuck her. She was going on about
laying eggs or something.
Mac: Oh not again. I am getting so sick of
that!
Dennis: Jesus I know right. Yay you crapped
out an egg you stupid bird. Who cares.
Mac: This is pretty genius though.
Dennis: Well he’s got to learn.
Inside the café Charlie approaches the counter. The Waitress gives him a look of deep
disdain.
The Waitress: You know the restraining order still
applies at my place of work, right?
Charlie: I never signed it!
The Waitress: Isn’t the fact I filed it enough?
Charlie: I love you.
The Waitress: Don’t care. Oh. Is that Dennis
outside? Is he waiting for me?
Charlie: What?
He looks over his
shoulder
Charlie (cont.): No he’s not meant to be…
He composes himself
with great effort.
Charlie: I did this for you.
He pulls down his
trousers. A horrific swampland of surgery is unveiled. Dripping pus, swollen
flesh, bloodied bandages. It’s a nightmare. The waitress reacts the only way
she can. She screams and throws a coffee pot at the wasteland. It ruptures Charlie’s testicles and he doubles up
in pain. She runs off
Charlie: Ooooooooowwwwwwwwwww
Mac and Dennis pick him up by his armpits.
Mac: Sorry dude.
Dennis: Only way you’d learn.
Mac: You’re always going on about having
babies with The Waitress.
Dennis: And frankly she’s repulsed by you. As
we all are.
Mac: But we couldn’t have you wasting time
on that and not doing “Charlie Work”
Dennis: So we did a little scheme.
Mac: For your own good.
Dennis: Let’s get him a beer.
Mac: A beer will do you good.
Dennis: And no more baby talk, ok Charlie.
Charlie moans weakly
The End
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