Captain
Rightious
By
Jeremy Linnell
Chet Chettington: Is
it a bird? Is it a plane? Is there anything up there at all? No! Because he’s
at home solving all the world’s problems through likes, shares and retweets.
He’s a modern hero for a modern age and we have him with us today to tell his
amazing story. Say hello to Captain Righteous.
Silence. Crickets.
Captain Righteous:
Thank you, thank you. Well done for not applauding, we all know that the true way
to show appreciation for something is to do nothing that takes effort. Please,
do all you can, and like my facebook page. My powers depend on it. Thanks for
having me here Chet.
Chet: It’s a
pleasure. You can tell by the complete silence of my audience that they are
absolutely transfixed. So, first things first. How did you discover your
amazing powers?
Captain Righteous:
Well it’s a funny story. I’d just bought my first Che Guvera t-shirt and was
walking home listening to P.I.L. and their world changing message when a truck
full of industrial waste crashed in front of me. I was covered from head to
toe. Instead of becoming sick I was instead filled with an incredible sense of
self-worth. I knew I could change the world. I started right away and wrote a
strongly worded letter to my MP about industrial waste.
Chet: Which of
course, thanks to your amazing powers of righteousness resulted in the
immediate banning of industrial waste transport and illegal disposal the world
over.
Captain Righteous:
Bingo. It was incredible really. I’d been given a great gift. I could change
the world with minimal effort at no risk to myself and still feel great. It was
wonderful.
Chet: And so you
set about achieving what was to be the first of many wonderful victories; ending
world hunger.
Captain Righteous: I didn’t do that alone though. No, taking on
so heinous an enemy required reinforcements
Chet: Ah yes your
first sidekick Bob Geldof
Captain Righteous: Good
old Bob. Always had a soft spot for him.
Chet: Which is
why you let him take the credit.
Captain Righteous: Well
his career needed the boost. And he was so adamant that he wrote the song,
which is adorable, but it just shows a fundamental misunderstanding of my
power.
Chet: Well why
don’t you elaborate for us, I’m sure our younger listeners who missed the start
of your career may be similarly ignorant.
Captain Righteous:
With pleasure Chet. I possess what is known as a Slacktivity Field ™ and by
simply being present in the rehearsal room I was directly responsible for any
and all positive change that occurred, including creativity, activity and later
world-wide change.
Chet: I see. It’s
fascinating, were you ever the subject of a scientific study.
Captain Righteous:
Sadly not, the harder they worked to understand me the less progress they made.
The Slacktivity Field ™ is self-defending in that regard. Hard work and effort
just melt away in its presence.
Chet: Which is
interesting because some of your critics would have us believe you don’t
actually possess any powers at all.
Captain Righteous:
laughs Well I’m glad you brought that
up Chet. I was hoping to address my recent defeats today.
Chet: How very
brave of you. It’s not your first defeat, Kony in 2012 was equally
embarrassing, as was your attempt to stop a robbery by starting a Facebook
campaign to prevent all robberies.
Captain Righteous: Hey
now that campaign really made people think. I know for a fact several thieves
felt really, really bad because of it.
Chet: That may be
the case but do you know if it actually stopped any robberies? Including the
one you were meant to help with?
Captain Righteous:
You know I can’t answer that.
Chet: Why? Afraid
of what the public will think of you?
Captain Righteous:
No I literally can’t. If I attempted to find out my Slacktivity Field ™ would
destroy my work.
Chet: How
convenient.
Captain Righteous:
Is it, Chet? I can’t make my own dinner, I can’t do my own taxes. Someone has
to even make my tea for me. It’s a living hell.
Chet: It sounds
awful.
Captain Righteous: It
is! I mean sometimes you just want to get up and do something, but it’s just
too hard. My Slacktivity Field ™ sees to that.
Chet: An
emotional insight in to your personal life, but I’d really like to return to my
point. Your recent failure to defeat B.O.O.M. (Brotherhood Of Oppressed
Majorities) was an abject failure. They walked right over the entire country
and took a firm hold.
Captain Righteous: I
don’t know what happened Chet, and that’s the honest truth.
Chett: Well some
might say your decision to encourage your Slackateers to not get involved was a
blunder, as was your own choice of remaining at home.
Captain Righteous: My
Slacktivity Field ™ works best the further away from the danger and conflict I
remain. It’s also aided by a comfy chair and a hot, sweet cup of tea.
Chet: Your
critics still would argue that, perhaps, becoming directly involved would have
helped. A punch to the face of their leader perhaps, or countering their
attempts at social conditioning.
Captain Righteous: Again
that just shows ignorance of the public. People have lost faith in those
systems of conflict resolution. With my powers we can solve problems peacefully,
safely and most importantly comfortably.
Chet: Well that
brings us to the end of our interview, I’d like to thank you for being here and
ask you if you had a final message for our audience and your fans, the
Slackateers.
Captain Righteous: You
don’t need a Slacktivity Field ™ to be a hero. You all have an equally powerful
one at your disposal. Wi-fi will save us all.
Chet: Goodbye
Captain Righteous
Captain Righteous: Goodby
Chet, thanks for having me here. Would someone mind carrying me home?
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