Totally Quackers
Three doctors stand around an operating table upon which lies a man.
Nearby in a cage sits a duck.
Dr. Lewis: Thank you for attending today’s
lecture. We are going to perform a ground-breaking procedure that will change
human life.
Dr. Ambal: As my esteemed colleague infers this
is a turning point in medical history. It is a privilege to be performing the
procedure.
Dr. Halston: But enough beating around the bush.
What we will be doing today is grafting the brain of this duck in to the brain
of this man.
Dr. Ambal: And while some in the medical community
have mocked this procedure, or questioned its ethics we stand by it.
Dr. Lewis: Absolutely. It will tell us entirely
new things about the brain.
Dr. Halston: And answer questions about the
natural world. Will he be able to quack?
Dr. Ambal: If so, will those quacks echo?
Dr. Halston: Will he have the ducks memories?
Dr. Ambal: Will he be able to fly?
Dr. Lewis: Because we don’t know how much is
instinct, memory, learned behaviour and physiological this seemed the only way
to logically answer those questions.
Dr. Halston: I see some of you have questioning
looks upon your faces. I can answer some of your questions now. Yes, we did
consider putting his brain in to the duck. But its skull was just too small.
Dr. Lewis: We learned that the hard way.
Dr. Ambel: Rest in peace Bill.
Dr. Halston: Luckily although his face and skull
were damaged the rest of him was in perfect condition. And as men of science we
made sure to treat his remains with dignity.
Dr. Lewis: And orange sauce!
Dr. Halston: Quiet! <he slaps Dr. Lewis>
We treated his remains with dig –ni – ty.
Dr. Ambel: But that’s in the past. The point is
human brain in duck skull just doesn’t work. But there’s no reason duck brain
in human skull won’t work just fine.
Dr. Halston: None whatsoever. And with our
wonderful volunteer here we can just start…now
He picks up a scalpel. The “volunteer”
sits up.
Ted: No I’m sorry, this has gone too far.
He gets off the table
Ted (cont.): Perhaps I should explain. These three
are actually ducks I have implanted with doctors brains. The surgery altered
their skull shape somewhat but if you look
He pulls off their coats revealing
white fluffy feathers
Ted: Certain aspects of their duckness remains.
The three start to quack
Ted: And sadly their bodies seem to be
rejecting the brains. This was evident from their obsession with the original
procedure. We can actually track the rejection by the frequency and volume of
the quacking.
The quacking intensifies
Ted: However we learned a lot from the
procedure.
The duck speaks up
Duck: Like what!
Ted: Well there’s…
Duck: There’s nothing is what there is.
This is bloody stupid.
The three “doctors” give quacks of
agreement
Ted: That’s hardly fair. We learned brains
can survive transplant.
Duck: Ok I’ll give you that one. But you
still didn’t need to do it.
Ted: Well medical science won’t advance
won’t advance unless we take chances and push boundaries. Taboos have to be
broken.
Duck: And why were you even pretending to
be a patient? That made absolutely no sense.
Ted: Well…uh…I was hoping it would create
an environment that…
Duck: I think you’re a pervert. And an
idiot. I’m leaving.
Duck leaves
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